It’s hard to believe that 2025 is already half over, that we’re closer to the end of the year than the beginning. By this time, I had hoped to have some better control over life, to have found some aspect of the “new normal” that includes appointments, scans, side effects, medication, scars, pill keepers, breathlessness, and so much more.
But I don’t.
Out of Control
Life spiraled so quickly out of control just a year ago, I had no choice but to simply hang on and ride out my personal apocalypse. Now, life has slowed but shifted into a new lane, a lane I don’t know how to drive in yet.
Part of the issue is side effects from the medication I will be on for the foreseeable future – exhaustion is one of the most common reactions, and it is hitting hard. I’m accustomed to late bedtimes and early rising, and busy days throughout.
Now, I find myself falling sleepy at any given point from the mid-afternoon to the early evening. And I don’t mean just a bit of an afternoon slump – it’s full on can’t keep my eyes open exhaustion. I’m just 48 years old; naptime shouldn’t be part of my daily schedule, so it’s not only physically enervating, but also mentally and emotionally enervating that I just can’t help it.
I don’t know whether there can be a fix – a supplement, a medication tweak (though my primary medication can no longer be reduced, as I am already at the minimum dosage and this is the pill causing the side effects), anything that might offer respite and better rest.
Life Goes Undone
In the meantime, the days continue to pass and life goes on, but it doesn’t get done.
June was the worst possible month I’ve had for any sense of control and productivity in so many years. I track the work I do and how many tasks I accomplish for my clients, and my totals – for articles submitted and overall to-do list items – were lower than they’ve ever been.
I’m disgusted at that. I need to do better – for me, for my professionalism, for my career. But right now, I just don’t know how.
My desk is a mess – cluttered, overcrowded drawers, piles that need to be attended to but aren’t (honestly, I barely know what’s in the piles any longer, they’ve been there so long), and nine different sticky notes on my three different computer monitors (yes, I have three) to remind me of ideas, tasks, and must-dos. Unpaid bills, a charging cord, notes for articles, the checkbook, and other things are simply scattered over the surface.
Photo by sandy Poore
One my July to-do list are no fewer than 87 tasks that I call “administrivia” – the non-article, non-paid yet essential tasks that support my career such as invoicing, emails, brainstorms, contact follow-ups, and blog posts. This isn’t an unusual number, but for comparison, in June I only completed 16/88 of the administrivia tasks for the month. I’m lost – drowning, suffocating, smothering – in a sea of must-be-done that simply isn’t.
Many people will react with sentiments like “be gentle” “it’s okay” “there’s always tomorrow” – but that isn’t necessarily possible.
As a one-woman-show with my business and career, there is no one else to which tasks can be assigned or delegated. If those tasks don’t get done, the productivity suffers. If the productivity suffers, so does the income.
Incidentally, my June income was the worst its been in five years (yes, that’s tracking back to the pandemic).
Gentleness – I feel as though I have been gentle with myself for months now, and where has it gotten me? The lowest I’ve been as I remember.
And is any of this okay? I feel a lot of things – but I haven’t felt okay in a year.
What About Birds?
Yes, the birds are still there, despite my own personal discombobulation. I see them outside my office window as I struggle to keep my focus on the aforementioned three monitors. They are soaring in the skies as I drive to appointments, scans, and blood draws. They are perched on wires, foraging in yards, and chittering in trees all throughout the neighborhood, whenever I can manage to be out for a few minutes. They do still visit the bath and feeders I have, though I’m not maintaining those features as frequently as I ought to be – one more thing on the to-do list.
I wish I could be closer to them. I just don’t know when I can be any longer.
I had a series of strokes at 53, and 10 yrs later I still must nap every day, sometimes for 2 hr! It is VERY annoying. I had to cut way back on my career, etc and I still have trouble accepting it all. Anti depression pills help with the anger and helplessness. Best advice I got is plan your day, and do half. I also have to do outdoor pursuits only every other day. Annoying, right? However I keep reminding myself I could have died, and I may if I push myself too hard. I am still active, but it took 5 yrs before I felt like I had more awake time, more balance. Although I love your writing, you must scale back by choosing what gives you the most joy, so that as energy improves (over a looong time, lol) you can enjoy the birds. They are a constant in our depleted world that bring great joy. I too was a busy, active person and it’s hard to scale back, but try it bit by bit. The long term benefits are worth it! Try not to despair, it gets better as your mindset and energy improve over the long term. I feel your frustration, and wish you the best, and more time with birds!
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Cyndi – it really does ease my mind and let me know it may improve, even if not on the timeline I would hope for! I hope to be doing better in the weeks to come, but time will tell.
I love you friend.
Always remember how nature makes you feel, then handle one task at a time.😊
It’s an ongoing struggle I can’t quite see the end of.
Goes out to you, Melissa. I know what you’re going through as I have been there. As the other woman said it took me 10 years to become as normal as I can be and it’s not maybe 5% of what I used to be. I’ve learned to live with it and accept it. I really do envy you your sleep. I am at the point where I get no sleep and that’s worse than sleeping. I’ve been up now for 48 hours. I don’t know why this is happening. Nobody talks to me about it and as I said before my cancer has come back a breast cancer as far as I know, the lung cancer has not returned because I’m not doing anything, I’m assuming that the breast cancer is running wild in my body I’ve accepted that too.